Ten years ago, my husband Martin and I went on our first date – an Indianapolis Indians baseball game. Ten years on, we’ve been on hundreds more dates, adopted two rescue dogs, gotten married, and moved a quarter of the way across the world. In those ten years, we’ve grown up together, supported each other, taught one another how to be better people.

We’ve taken this week off of work to travel to a remote cottage on the North Sea to celebrate the ten-year anniversary of our first date. Just us and the dogs, we’ve pared it down this week to spend time in nature and reminisce on the memories we’ve made together.

I don’t think we’ve been a quote-unquote “successful relationship” by accident. I mean, some of it was easy, but we’ve actively tried to be better partners to one another. So I thought I’d invite Martin to the blog this week (officially this time; he’s been photographer and website developer since the beginning) to talk about the pieces of relationship advice we’ve used to be a stronger couple.

Nicole: Welcome, Martin!

Martin: Thanks. I feel like I’ve been lurking in the shadows in a support role so it’s nice to chat with your readers.

Nicole: Will you introduce yourself to them? Especially for those who might be new around here.

Martin: I am Holly Tree Cottage’s official photographer.

Nicole: And…

Martin: And Nicole’s husband. I like dogs, golf, and football (both UK and US). Introducing yourself is the worst. Will you do it for me?

Nicole: It would be my honour. Martin is my husband and also the kindest human (except for maybe my best friend, who I also said this about). But really, everyone who meets him doesn’t understand how one person could be so genuinely kind. He’s also an incredible dog-dad, a Le Mans-winning racing driver, and has a crazy talent for hearing four notes on the radio and immediately knowing the song and artist (musical genre is irrelevant). He’s also British and moved to the states in 2008 to pursue racing in America, which is where our story begins. 

Martin: Well that was a nice intro. I should hire you to write all my intros.

Nicole: If by “hire,” you mean “exchange for yet another photo shoot for the blog,” then yes.

Martin: Done. 

Nicole: Tell the people how we met on that fateful day many moons ago.

Martin: I was racing at Mid-Ohio Sports Car Course in the Indy Lights Championship. I’d only been in America less than a year at that point, and you were there at the race weekend with a friend of yours Abby. We both ended up at the same cookout the night before the race and we ended up watching a couple of support races together with a group. 

Nicole: Be honest, was it love at first sight?

Martin: I wouldn’t say it was love at first sight, no. I was really shy when I first saw you. I didn’t know anything about you but I was curious. Once we started talking, I thought you were really nice. And my parents invited you to watch the race the next day from the pits (which they never do). 

After the race was over, I saw you and was excited that you were there to stay to watch, but I do remember you were the only person in the pit box I didn’t hug after the race.

Nicole: Really? I don’t remember that! Why didn’t you hug me?

Martin: I didn’t really know you! And I was really nervous around you.

Nicole: That’s fair. I probably would have done the same. What’s your favourite “early dating” story?

Martin: Definitely our third date. You came over to my apartment and I had a tabletop piano keyboard. I brought it out because I’d been trying to learn a couple songs and thought I would impress you with my musical ability. I played a few songs and you were polite and listened. Then I asked if you played piano at all.

Nicole: Ooh this is where it gets good.

Martin: You said you knew how to play a couple things on the piano so I asked if you would play. You said “No, that’s okay” a couple times before I coerced you into it. And then I found out you’re pretty much a concert-grade pianist!

Nicole: I mean, that’s a bit of an exaggeration, but I did study piano for ten years and was a music major in college, so… yeah. I know my way around a keyboard. I just knew you were trying to show me how good you were and I didn’t want to step on your toes!

Martin: You didn’t at all! I thought it was amazing. The rest of the night I asked you to sight read song after song that I’d been trying to learn for months, and there you were just playing them like it was nothing. You were pretty much my human jukebox the rest of the night. I loved it.

Nicole: That night was really fun once I realized you weren’t embarrassed at all. It made such an impression on me that the first birthday we celebrated together, I got you the entire Beatles anthology to play on the piano.

Martin: And now I just ask you to play out of it.

Nicole: Pretty much! Let’s get into the good stuff. We’ve been dating now for a decade. I want to give the readers some insight into how we’ve made our relationship a success. And not the stuff we lucked out on, like common interests. I’m looking for actionable, tangible steps they can take to make their relationship better. I’ll let you go first.

Eliminate Jealousy.

Martin: Jealousy is a relationship-killer. If you’re the kind of person who struggles with jealousy, learn to get it in check. Jealous feelings stem from insecurity and no relationship thrives when it exists in an insecure state. 

From day one with Nicole, we’ve both been extremely trusting of the other. I think we both understood that you can’t be constantly worried that your partner is going to leave you because you can’t control that. Your partner deserves the respect of trust, and if there are feelings of jealousy, it’s time to discuss it as a couple or check yourself.

Understand What Your Partner Needs.

Nicole: This one sounds so obvious on the surface, but I think we’ve both learned that what you need in a situation is not always what I need. For example, when I come home after a bad day and just need to vent, I don’t need you to fix it, just to listen. That one took a while for us to figure out. Or that when you’re sad, you just need hugs, not for me to try to talk it through with you.

Martin: Yeah, we’re definitely different people.

Nicole: The book that helped me the most with this is “The 5 Love Languages” by Gary Chapman. I think it helped both of us understand how we give and receive love and work on making those things align. Now, when I know you’re going through something, I put on the lens of “what does Martin need” and I think that recognition has definitely made us stronger.

Keep Your Own Identity.

Martin: I promise I’m not trying to say this just because I love to golf, but it’s important to not lose your identity when you’re in a relationship. Both of us are only children so we’re really used to spending time alone on our own pursuits. Throughout the relationship, that has continued to be a pillar. 

Doing your own thing helps solidify your own identity away from the dynamics of a relationship. And it’s really important to keep that element of yourself. We find a good balance by giving each other freedom to have hobbies and friends separate from each other, and then coming together to spend time doing activities we both love.

Show (and feel) respect.

Nicole: I feel like I should have said this one first. I respect Martin more than any other human on earth. I respect his core values, his work ethic, his goals, his intelligence, and his worth. This is the foundation on which I’ve built the friendship and love for him, and it absolutely guides how I treat him – both on a day-to-day basis and in the long-term, big life decisions kind of things.

Because I respect you as my partner, I trust you. I value your opinion. I let you make independent decisions. I share my dreams with you. I speak highly of you to others. When anger jumps in front of understanding and sadness overrides empathy, it is the respect I have for you that reminds me how to show love.

Be slow to anger and quick to forgive.

Martin: Stemming off of that, I think we’ve both learned to be slower to anger. I think we had to learn that the other person always has good intentions. Neither of us are trying to cause harm, so coming into a disagreement from a place of trying to understand first has helped our relationship a lot.

Nicole: But it’s not always been that way!

Martin: No, it definitely hasn’t. Which is why I’ve added “quick to forgive.” We’re both human and we make mistakes. I think we know both know we’re trying our hardest to be better partners, so it’s important we can forgive one another for any hurt caused. Holding a grudge doesn’t serve any helpful purpose and makes it hard to move on. Make a mistake, talk about it, forgive quickly, and learn. Easy in theory, a bit more difficult in practice.

Be friends first.

Nicole: The chemistry of falling in love is exciting, but will wear off over time. I’m not saying that spark will go away, but it’s definitely less frequent than those first few months or years. Which is why being great friends with your partner is vital to a relationship. 

We genuinely love each other’s company – both in exciting situations like travel, and also in the mundane stuff like sitting on the couch and reading. This also means that when life goes through the swings of being boring or difficult, we can always fix it by spending quality time with each other. 

It’s not a competition.

Martin: Oh man, here’s one we worked hard on. We’re both extremely competitive; Nicole’s a former pageant contestant with a super-impressive track record, and I’m a racing driver so it’s literally my job to compete. Learning to stop comparing wasn’t easy, especially with the bad stuff.

We can both have bad days. We can both be tired. We can both share good news. If your partner comes home after a bad day, listen and acknowledge that their day was crap. Give them their moment to decompress. Then take your turn, but never with a “mind was worse” filter. You should be there to comfort each other and validate their feelings, not take away with comparison language.

Nicole: That’s a pretty good list, don’t you think?

Martin: We’re probably forgetting some of the most obvious stuff that’s helped us make our relationship as strong as it is. Like learning how to make a proper cup of tea. 

Nicole: I think that falls under the “Understand What Your Partner Needs” category. My partner needs a good cup of tea that’s not over-stewed and with enough milk. And I need occasional Saturdays at Bicester Village without supervision.

Martin: That’s the “Keep Your Own Identity” category. We’ve probably covered it all. And if not, then you’ll just have to have me here again to give the people all my wisdom.

Nicole: If all your wisdom can be contained in two blog posts, I think it’s time you find some more wisdom!

Martin: Okay true. So signing off?

Nicole: Signing off. Let’s go make some tea.